PENITTENCE FOR.......

Is it something I did, or is it something I said.
Is it something you heard, is it something that I'm missing.
Tell me what's going on, where did we go wrong.
Tell me what's up, don't give up; can you just tell me whats wrong

I can tell you how it feels to be lonely now
I'm so fed up with all your lies and you deceiving me.
You act like you don't even remember how we used to be
Like we never existed, like you don't even miss it
What did I do to make you treat me this way

You used to buy me things to see the smile on my face
But lately you've only done things to make my smile erase
Always fussing & fighting
You don't care when I'm crying
And I don't know why we took this turn for the worse.
Let me know something, cause I don't understand
I love you and I'm willing to fix this any way I can
But you gotta tell me what's going on
Why do you treat me this way, I wanna know where we went wrong

Something' ain't right, there's no use in denying
I just don't know why we always fussing & fighting
Baby what is wrong, it feels as though I'm dying inside
Without you by my side, baby I'm crying



"Sometime we sit and think long about the could not realizing how much we should work on the should've"

Dating a Black Man

hmmmmm......

something as simple as me hearing your name
puts me in a place that I can't even explain
I really didn't know back then but
right now I'm totally sure
I know I'm your friend but I wanna be much more
I get butterflies when I see you coming
oh boy you got me running
this feeling in my stomach tells me I should be your woman
cause you're the only one who makes my fairy tale come true
how can someone make me so sad but
still I only want them to stay
I wanna say I love you so bad
I wish that you'll understand
that I wanna be more than just your friend
I wish you loved me the same way
I see, I see you talking to them girls on the phone
I wish that I can tell them all to leave you alone
really didn't know back then but right now I'm totally sure
that I wanna be much more
I never really liked your girlfriends
never really gave them a chance
cause I realized that i was your woman

I have no more fight left in me

jealousy 1

WOW!!!!! i think it finally hit lol no its not funny never had a jealousy issue but i think i walk into it today OMG!! its the most strange thing when you feel it yourself wow maybe because i know jealousy is insercurity smh but it only came from a smile why do i have this feeling this cant be happening its even turning into a strange anger ohhhhh nooooooo i cant let this take me its taking my entire vibe away but for what i dont know maybe its that smile Damn! i said it again "smile" i need a break ill be back in a few......

insane

How happy i am when i interrogate you! how happy when you answer me. my whole being is moved with pleasure. my soul is filled. my feet no longer stumble i thrill with delight. your wisdom and goodness are beyond all measure. they are excellence itself under your influence i am placing new values on life. i see light in the darkness; the firefly in the garden reveals itself in newer beauty. i discover added luster in the pearl; a greater radiance in the morning star and a softer harmony in the moonlight. blessed be the god that brought me here; blessed be he who permitted your majestic mind to be revealed to me; blessed be the one who brought me into your house to hear your voice. for im not crazy nor a emotional wreck just a breed of misunderstanding but for that i will always smile Even if it looks like a frown

2 miles

I started on this track full of energy ready to go not thinking i didnt have a bottle of water the first lap was easy it was like gone with the wind it had my heart beat up to paste and i was ready to go all in

The second lap it was cool no issues i still ran fast into it while my friend said girllll you better slow down before you dont have energy for that last lap but i was running so fast that i couldnt hear anything they were saying

Third lap i paste myself so i can regain my energy for the fourth lap but i messed up a little but i was still good

Fourth lap first mile i was still on my paste but by now my friends were jogging with me but they told me im not going to come cross the finished line first i laugh and kept running

Five laps in and i havent gave up it was bets that i wouldn't be able to do a mile but that was funny cause im a mile in and im still not tired or giving up

Sixth lane sixth lap RUN KIX! RUN! i ran but my body started to slow down my mind push me to keep it moving bu my body just wouldt let it go so i jog.

Seventh lap! i had too walk my heart beat was beating too fast i was tired i had sweat running down my back and it was hot it was like i had giving up i wasnt going to make it to 2 miles as i walk i cried cause i didnt want to disappoint myself (SMH) i cant fail myself

i made to the eight lap this will make 2 miles but dang ! i cant believe this my friends ahead of me and im alone on this field im not going to give up cause i have to finished i took a deep breath and i took off i ran and i ran i made it curve to curve but the straight way should have been a easy breeze i said to myself just a little more feet and im done im halfway there and then out the blue i trip i role over a couple of times i guess i can say it was _____ but then again everything happen for a reason but i still finished that lap and took my keys and went home drove off and soaked my body

Moments....

2nd Day of summer and its hot but rainy however i spoke to a friend and we were talking about a death it made me think about when your sick who do you want next to you or by your side? it made me think about (A.T.J) laying there in a puddle of blood saying its going to be alright when i knew he was gone the most hurtful part is when they speak there last words " I love you baby don't cry its OK I'm OK" i still can hear that voice i still see the lights i still hear those sounds and i still feel the impact on my life. People always assume what someone feel or think there crazy when they just don't know or have no idea. Anyways i thought and i thought for a moment if i was to get sick who will i call on SMH 9 out of 10 _____________ that's crazy. that's the only name that came up so i say i guess cherish the moments you have with people because you never know when they will leave you. Anytime you see dire of any relationship try fixing it because that same person may be the one you call for at the END. (sigh)

OVERALL

three weeks ago it was told this is what i need today i can say no its not its crazy how one turn around can change allot of things in life i found it funny when my mom ask me why and how and all i can say is i don't know things happen but like she said my heart is big so ill always be bless anyways i have a friend i think about its crazy how you can be so in tuned into someone that you don't think about reality overall even when others dont care for people i still say there good peoples when i cleaned up the other day and i found some dental floss i found it so cute and funny all i thought about is my sweet tea from checkers that always cheer me up even tho i never used the floss

IN MY FEELINGS
I had a conversation with someone the other night i had to really step back and check out its easy gaining somebody trust but its hard to regain it but some people dont realize when others give you there trust its not that easy to just walk away it was said to me that there is a mystery to me its crazy because thats not the first time it was said the reason where the same the top reason was always said i dont express myself i hold allot in i know i keep things to myself but if anybody was to ask i never had a problem just saying it but you have to ask me and to me if you dont ask me anything you really not trying to know me so why bother

Brand new
i know it Monday so why not start off new i fell off for a minute but im about to regain myself slowly i was trying to find the inner me again i know i found it things take time but i know i got it and i know what i have to do about it

ENDING
This past year 1/2 i was deeply hurt i felt someone took everything from me but then i thought i found happiness which only i try to cover up with smiles i build up a wall but i forgot to leave the hurt on the other side but i can say i move on and i going to a place were i know i belongs i couldn't believe i let someone have that much control and i apologize cause i drag somebody along but im happy im free but if it was ment for me and that friend then it will be but im happy

Thursday i got into an accident which it took me for a tour but over all this weekend was awesome ( I'm thankful to have you by my side) it was like everything was put to past with no worries even with confessions being put out there threw out the entire time but it was like it didn't even matter everything about this weekend felt so right even with Sunday being without it still didn't matter the space was cool but was needed damn! i haven't smiled like this in a while but now as i lay to sleep i pray lord that more of these days are to come i know we thank you in our own crazy way but we are thankful anyway night yal :-) :-)

HONEY

I'm in my feelings for the next hour so ill express it all before i cover myself back up

it has finally came to past i have never been intimidated by another as long as i can remember i never felt threaten at all but i believe my time has came one thing i can say is GOD works in crazy ways the past three months i ran into ups and down many events took place but some were bitter so let me break them down

EVENT ONE : I went into a switch mood i had too! especially when your caught up. i did a 360 i just laid back and let everything take there course i made a promise that i plane on keeping(the 3rd month not hear yet) but it was the out come of it that made me realize some flaws about things its like when you put yourself in the front of it just to see if it will stand in front of you or step around you and personally i believe it jump over me when you fall into a zone that you trust your mind starts to believe that nobody else or word matters but when its broken that's when all the bull starts but i cant go too deep into details about that just let me end that with every time you walk out i try hard to forget it but "A house is not a home when I'm alone here"

Event Two: they thought i was crazy i went into a deep depression that i didn't want to be here i smiled everyday like i was okay but nobody not knowing that i was trying to kill myself i made sure papers was alright i pop pills ever night more than 300mg i slept with my gun in hand with my hand on the trigger but it never went off i let my lights and water go off on purpose i stop paying bills i really just didn't care i felt like i was here by myself i wanted to turn to the one i trusted dearly to but i couldn't cause they had there own up and down and i was trying to support them but i couldn't cause i couldn't support myself but for some reason the lord wouldn't let me go he sent one person that been around for years just never that close she made sure i was alright she didn't step over my path she let me pull out on my own but she didn't allow me to just fall i believe she was my angel for the time being because I'm suppose to be dead right now

Event Three (I submit): I'm not perfect and i MAKE MISTAKE BUT MY HEART IS PURE well at least it try to be its funny how you have so much but your sanity drive you away from it yeah i couldve of followed the star life but i choose not too everyone thinks money makes things happy i believe if i was still in the life style I'm already dead i know i m at the peek i should be and i know many expect more from me but its my life and i choose who i want in it because behind those walls you don't feel what i feel nor see what i see so don't judge me or what you think that would have been best for me

AS I'M WRITTEN THIS: I'm written and texten at the same time GOD only knows how much i care but its crazy how i try but still however this Sunday this person took every bit of my ego away from me its crazy and it hurts i mean really hurts to the point i want to cry but I'm cried out already i understand people see things and they take it the wrong way which happen everyday but i would have never thought that this person will allow another person to come in between and make a announcement with pride and they acknowledge it like "yeah" that's what it is then you talk about respect childddddddddddddd "truth be told" you acknowledge it so that's how you wanted it to be

At the End of The DAY!!

Im putting aside my feelings im not going to try anymore if it happens it happens i have a project that im working on and i need too put these proposal together so everything can fall into place yes i may have fail back some but it was experience i had to take now that im back in control of me then i don't have the problem of holding it back and letting it out my happiness is what i want and i know were i want to spend it its within my confront zone its just allowing the inner soft me play its role but still stand on my two feet

VENTING

Lately ive been thinking i let my emotions get the best of me i was willing and able to lay it on the line but uck! this you gives a two ish if its ment to be it will be im tired of other in my ear about old news tell me something new and good or dont tellme nothing at all people change over the ears so what i could of married a NFL player bu i chosed not to i guess you rather see me dead for abuse so what i dated the self employed it wasnt a issued when i gave 14 stacks and never ask it back and yeah so what i fell in love with an ego thats just like mines im attach to it cause he humbles mines i never ask to be who i am im just am who i am so let me role call this 1. yeah im not in the studio anymore but i still hit the bars ever now and then 2. yeah i step out the box before but it wasnt with you 3. yes he played for UM and got drafted this year but no me and his friend are not dating i just did an essay paper dont get it twisted 4. Yes me and tonio have our ups and down but ill always love him for who he is 5. how the hell do yall find out information its not that much google in the world .

I GOTTA GO BUT TILL NEXT TIME ILL JUST SEE YOU WITH THE EMAILS

CAUSE IM ME

Imma heavy thinker... deep lover... so worldly undercover... freedom fighter... peacemaker... wide-eyed closed mouth she is... open-hearted... experience seeker.. forever in love... pain taker... thick-skinned... shit talker... truth teller... I got wisdom within... full of outwardly strength... house performer... mirror dancer... quietly creative... cat walker... dog keeper... man stealer...money spender... heartbreaker... season changer... life traveler... always discovering... constant reader... comedic words I spit... super fresh... nothing less than the best... highly favored and divinely blessed... I'm too f*ckin much

"So pretty, so fine, so beautiful my smile. So lady, so crazy, so classy, so sexy, so cute, so clean, that ass, those jeans." Damn! Yeah thats Me...
-Bluejean Jones

...and yeah I gotta big ego... such a huge ego... but guess what?

Two tears in a bucket... F*ck It!

"So please mamacita please no envy, when u come around it bees no intrigue... who's next to go? My flow so flexible... get gased then get at me... Texaco... shoot urself in the leg... Plaxico!"
-Nicki Minaj

My love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, flyer...
Didn't u know this..? Or didn't u notice?
-Jill

61 days in camp

Sixty – one days to get it all back together mentally, physically, and emotionally Damn! Kix how the hell you’re going to pull this one off? Oh well I just have too do what I have to do its all about me. some people that’s around me may start thinking im being selfish but if you know "me" as me you should know im far from selfish but its time for me to take care of me I have things to do and they been push back for a while sorry folks I have to make it better so I can be happy with me. I’m more than just a pretty smile with pretty eyes its so much work that has not been done because I made the choice of taken steps back, within these last 4 years I have been threw my up and down. I carried a dude that didn’t appreciated that it wasn’t about money with me anymore ( I always had my account and shoe box full) I went into deep like with someone but there insecurity drove me away (I needed a friend not a lover ) but this last year I gained a friend that I appreciate more than ever. Even when emotions get the best, but that’s just how it goes. He’s a friend that I will always appreciate and no matter how hard and harsh the world talks bad they still haven’t broken us apart. Thanks! xoxo However its crazy how small things can appear and take you on a life turn but I learn so much but im ready I found me the ambition always been there but these next 61 days we shall see im all for me and if you lose me within this time period trust me your not meant to be surrounded by me but at least I know one person no matter what will be standing! (all smiles )

glad

Just left the studio and i tell you I'm tired as heck i had a quick meeting well sit in for big uncle i tell you i don't miss that world at all and so GLAD i didn't get in so deep today was long and short in a way i didn't really get to do what i needed to do for myself but hey sometimes you have to do your dues to get your dues I'm so GLAD I'm not part of this market group even tho its healthy its still crazy.....

IN OTHER NEWS

i met one of the ceo from.... today unexpectedly just me being me our conversation ended at least 2hr after the simple "hello" everybody talks bad about him but he is totally so cool and I'm not going to lie some of the knowledge he spoke to me was so awesome i mean its so crazy how a simple hello beautiful can lead into such a deep spiritual learning experience but I'm GLAD for it and thankful

STEP OUT

Well my clown out buddy is gone for the week on tour even tho the clean cut been busy I'm GLAD that that's my bruh bruh no matter how hard i think why it never amount to saying any goodbyes I'm so GLAD that i learn to place our friendship into a pocket and hold it even threw the emotional times when saying in my head: "is this jerk for real" but that's still my bruh bruh and i love every moment we share..

IN CLOSING

IM GOING TO THE MOVIES...... lol i been trying to go to the movies for 3 weeks now and have not made it but im going tonight and back to the house i was invited to a Private cow event but im tired i need my me time and relax after this movie "chow"

CBR1000

They say i will fall off "thats funny" they say i will go broke "thats funny" they say i wont make it nor last

"thats funny"

It never amaze me how so many people try to bring you down just because there not........

(you know what i feel like telling a story)

I bought a CBR1000rr it was nice it rode smooth when i pick it up off the lot but once i rode it from the dealer the value of it drop but that wasn't the issue i rode this bike everyday too the point that i forgot about my car i was so in tune with the Honda to the point that this bike was all that matter but as i put miles on the bike i enjoyed the ride but the minor things were not being like the tune up as in oil changes making sure the anti-freeze is there changing the tires lubricating the chain and i even think the sprocket however in so many word this bike became a toy you can say it didn't ride the same as when i first got i don't know if its because i allowed so many others to ride on it race with it or just let it sit but its funny cause even tho it sit in the garage i still make sure its clean i think i clean it cause when it comes down to it its still my bike even tho i let everybody ride it and only act like i care about it when something goes wrong with it and i don't want to pay for it but at the end of the day i its still my bike but at this moment i have to end this and go down stairs and jump on this R6

AND THE WINNER IS

"WOW " you dumb or something you cant read in between the lines" (smh )word can be harsh especially when you have no idea whats going on people amaze me what they think its always laugh and smiles on the outside but never the concern in the inside many people surround themselves around just because of the "image". I alone have never been concern about a image but sometimes that inner ego takes control and you forget the small things that counts i do believe a heart can be mend back together but you have to allow it to happen they say you scream we scream but I'm not screaming I'm talking i take in consideration all that's going on but competition i will never be part of i understand life is a challenge but sometimes you have too sit back and watch I stand alone for who i am. I know things get ruff but i am the type of person that will stick it out to the end without any reasonable doubt

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~IN OTHER NEWS~~~~~~~~~~

I'm juggling between going left and right and its hard not knowing the next steps i smile all day but when i get in my feelings and thoughts its hard cause no one actually see the pain I'm not happy at all but the act of being happy fulfill allot but it still comes back so I'm asking what should i do i know I'm not perfect but I'm passionate i use o find myself working three jobs just not to think about it especially when i didn't need it i just wanted the time to go back and its crazy cause i start back on Sunday what am i to do when there is no shoulder to lean on.....